its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
