my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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