I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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