everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
