This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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