when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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