I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
