I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You smell like stripper and shame
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
