I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Girls should come with a carfax report
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
