Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
