u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
