I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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