it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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