He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i came on her dog
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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