Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
