So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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