Moan for me like Helen Keller
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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