does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nicole vs. Life
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
