I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
