I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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