I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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