It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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