I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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