We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
