I think I won the penis lottery.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
