So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
