Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
