If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
