I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
