Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
