Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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