I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
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151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize