I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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