i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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