ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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