i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
