I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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