Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
