I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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