You really coming over, don't trick.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
soo... how was my night?
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