he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My pussy is not your playground.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
