If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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