all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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