No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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