in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
In America we eat man semen.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
