why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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