its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
