Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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