Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/