your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
