On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
