My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
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And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
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You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.