**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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I think your dad took our porno
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.