finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no