We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
