matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
