I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
