I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
