i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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