If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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