Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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