I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
