I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
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I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking