I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.