i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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